Saturday, April 4, 2009

AV: Changes

*Backstory: On February 3rd, my beloved wife, Aida Mancillas, took her final breaths on this earth as I lay draped across her chest. Accompanied through the long night by Aida's sister, brother-in-law, and one of the angels from San Diego Hospice, I attended to the sacred duty of helping my love move through the thin veil from here to there. The 60 days since her death have been ... almost indescribable.*

Dear friends,

I'm sorry I haven't been here for a while. It's been a mix of things. In the dark and obscured swamp in which I exist these days, I have been unsure about what or where and whether to post anything.

I have decided that yes, I will. And that I will do so most likely on a separate blog. Or maybe both together. I am undecided.
(Please, I invite your opinions on that question: let me know what you think. A different blog? This blog? Both together with duplicate posts? I really want to hear what you have to say.)

Part of the inner conversation is ongoing between a few of my inner voices. It goes something like this:

AV: No one else is writing about this grieving thing in the queer community. WTF?
Dolly: Yeah, but why are *you* the one who has to do it?
Deirdre: Yeah, and who even wants to hear your whining? The world is depressing enough and we have our own problems.
AV: Thank you for sharing, but I think that maybe my speaking honestly about my experience, maybe just maybe that might give others the permission to talk honestly about it. Even if it's only with themselves.
Dolly: Okay okay, I get it, but why do you have to be so *public* about it? Do you really want that much information out there about you? Haven't you heard about online crime?
AV: I know. I've thought about that. It's the second biggest reason why I've been silent for so long here. The first, of course, is Deirdre.
Deirdre: What?!? What did I do?? Everybody always blames me! I'm really just trying to take up as little room as possible here, y'know ... and *still* I get blamed ..
AV: No no, Deirdre ... what I meant was that I have the same concerns you do. I'm not so sure that anyone cares about what I have to say either. I mean, it's not like I'm posting the daily contents of my refrigerator or anything, but you're right, people have their own problems. What do they care if I'm grieving the death of my wife?
Dolly: well ... maybe ...
AV: Exactly. So I think that's what I'm going to do. I keep my journal, of course, but I can't find much of anything online or in print that speaks to *me* or to the unknown number of LGBT folks who are stumbling in the darkness just like me.
Dolly: So what are you going to do?
AV: I think I'm going to keep my own blog and post every few days about what's up for me, for the friends I have who are in different stages of this journey I'm on, and the resources I discover along the way that can help the next person. Or someone who's suffering just like I am.
Deirdre: Are you at least going to disguise your name?
AV: Not sure yet. Part of me would like to, but I feel it's important to talk fully about my wife, Aida, and to do otherwise would be to dishonor her and her memory. To do that, I need to be "out."
Dolly: Well, whatever. If you want to do this, okay, but just don't drag us into it.
Deirdre: Yeah, good luck with that.
AV: Thanks you guys.

so, that said, here's the link to my first post (some of you will recognize the url):

And an excerpt:
It has occurred to me that no one is writing handbooks for us queer folk on how to manage this thing. I mean, fer crissakes, we aren't even sure how to do weddings, let alone funerals and every single bone crushing day afterwards.

let me know what you think. Dolly and Deirdre are really interested.

1 comment:

Wendy Caster said...

Please, this blog. We love you! Wendy