Between my insomnia and my tribunal, writing has not come easy for me lately. Aside from the fact that I don't feel like I have anything important to say, I'm just too pre-occupied with observing, reading, and processing---another set of excuses I'm sure for simply not writing.
It's 2:29 am at the moment, and I'm here typing and not in bed. I was so tired when I was reading about JayZ and Beyonce that I thought I'd be asleep in no time. Then I remembered that I forgot to take my Ambien, and bingo, I perked right up. I tossed and turned and tried to yucky thoughts for about 90 minutes, then realized my mounting anxiety of not sleeping would ensure that I didn't fall asleep. I tried focusing on my breath, and only became more awake.
I almost had a complete meltdown earlier today. I went upstairs to clean the cats' 13 x 20 litter box and just started crying. They are now relieving themselves outside of the litter box, which necessitates the purchase of wee-wee pads, and now Hannah likes to plant herself right outside of the litter boxes, apparently on top of a soaked wee-wee pad. It's making me crazy. The hope is to migrate them down to the basement and buy a Cat Genie, then tear up the urine drenched carpet on the third floor, Febreze the room to death and put in a new floor. We're also dealing with trying to renovate our kitchen in as simple a way as possible.
I did the whole Ikea template thing and before adding in the door handles and wire baskets, the cabinets came to $5,000. Add another $3,000 for installation and you realize that you can get really nice cabinets for not much more. On the other hand, I do like a lot of the Ikea stuff, I just don't want to have 100 boxes delivered to my house and wait for the Ikea installation team to arrive and tell me that they delivered several wrong panels and forgot the pantry cabinet.
We have a very small kitchen with not a lot of wall space, so it is particularly challenging. I think I want to speak with a professional since we're clearly too close to the situation to make the best decisions/recommendations.
So after cleaning the litter box, etc., I went to the one place that truly calms and centers me: my office. Darryl made us coffee and made me the most beautiful breakfast plate of blackberries, bananas, goat cheese and rosemary flavored crackers. We sat outside on our bistro table and essentially said grace. I ended up staying about 8 hours longer than I planned, but I did get a lot done, and later treated myself to a vanilla cupcake at Barnes & Noble where we went to pick up kitchen renovation magazines.
I love reading these posts and appreciate how forthcoming everyone is about their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It also reinforces how singularly-focused my life has become when reading about everyone else's recreational pursuits. That's ok, it took me a long time to be able to have any focus at all. I'm finished reading "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" and watch the weekly web casts. It's been wonderful to see how many people have been moved by Tolle's simple and direct perspective. It's actually helped me a great deal. I love what he says about emotion is the body's response to the mind, and we are not our minds, we are the observer of our minds or something like that.
I'm glad I got out of bed to blog, it is a good thing to write, if only to remind ourselves that we can actually do it when we sit down and do it.
It's now 2:44...let's hope the Ambien kicks in soon.
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